A Look Back...

It's October- at the end of this month last year my mom found out about my dad's affair and about 2 weeks later-November 6th, my dad told me and Tay they were getting a divorce. I was working as an aide at Elkhart and living at home. I was still a virgin.

October 8, 2011 looks a little different:
I am now a Kindergarten teacher at Elkhart
I am still living at home, but now Erin lives here too (sharing a room and everything)
I am no longer a virgin and have had more than 1 pregnancy scare this past year.
I am still struggling hard with the divorce- we all are.

This week was hard as far as things with my dad go, and it really made me realize how much I hate what happened. I hate divorce. It ruins people's lives. God HAS healed me a little, and I know He will continue, but it still sucks so much.

This is absolutely my favorite time of the year- Fall, Thanksgiving, Christmas- all times with family and friends. I know these holidays arent the first ones without my dad, but I think they may be harder than last year. I expect my dad to expect us to spend them with Laura, and I don't know if I can do that. I don't like that it will be tough- I want things to be easy this time of year.

I am also struggling with going into the holidays single. It's such a lovely dovey time, and I want that so much. I struggle with how I feel about Clif. I know I should probably forget it, but sometimes I think I may love the boy and it scares.me.so.much.

A lot of thoughts and questions lately.

It's crazy how different life can be in a year...

Peace

Well it's official: I am not a good blogger. I tried (all 2 posts :) ) but I just don't really keep us with this like I wanted to. So... here we ago again with me attempting to keep this updated. This is really just for me..no one knows about it, but I think it is easier than writing.

It's February 7, 2011-a week from Valentines Day. Oh, Valentines Day. I have only had one "love" for Valentines-Beau my freshman year of high school so Valentines Day has never been about the "boy". I have tried to stay positive this year and focus on using this day to reflect on the wonderful relationships in my life-family and friends. I made a few cute crafts I saw on blogs to remind myself of love and plan on doing some cute gifts and cards this year. However, I have reallllly struggled lately with the desire for a husband and family. I spend time with cute mamas and dads and their little ones and so desperately desire to have that soon. I know the Lord's plan is PERFECT, but it is a big battle right now for me to focus on that.

• I guess you could say that peace and content in general has been the battle.
• I am not content with not teaching.
• I am not content with not knowing what next school year will be for me.
• I am not content with not having some prospect of a husband yet.
• I am not content with the divorce of my parents after 30 years of marriage.
• I am not content with my friends not living close.
• I am not content with how I am taking care of my body.

I do NOT want this to be a pity party for me; I just want to put my thoughts into words so I can sort through this. I want to leave in peace in where and what God has me right now. I know that I need to seek Him more. Sunday I told my 5th and 6th graders that it was more important to listen to God than to talk-I am trying to live by that wisdom.

• I want to hunger for the Truth.
• I want to enjoy my singleness.
• I want to pour into the relationships I do have right now.
• I want to take care of my body.
• I want to learn how to deal with this divorce and how to strengthen the relationships I have with my mom, dad, and brother.

I pray I will learn to live in Peace-complete peace and content.

Prayer requests:

• The divorce is final on Feb 14th. I pray Mama will be surrounded with peace and joy and love that day.
• For my Dad's salvation
• For Tay and the marines
• For Macy's gerat aunt-cancer
• For Kat and Sean and Mason
• For my job and location