A Look Back...

It's October- at the end of this month last year my mom found out about my dad's affair and about 2 weeks later-November 6th, my dad told me and Tay they were getting a divorce. I was working as an aide at Elkhart and living at home. I was still a virgin.

October 8, 2011 looks a little different:
I am now a Kindergarten teacher at Elkhart
I am still living at home, but now Erin lives here too (sharing a room and everything)
I am no longer a virgin and have had more than 1 pregnancy scare this past year.
I am still struggling hard with the divorce- we all are.

This week was hard as far as things with my dad go, and it really made me realize how much I hate what happened. I hate divorce. It ruins people's lives. God HAS healed me a little, and I know He will continue, but it still sucks so much.

This is absolutely my favorite time of the year- Fall, Thanksgiving, Christmas- all times with family and friends. I know these holidays arent the first ones without my dad, but I think they may be harder than last year. I expect my dad to expect us to spend them with Laura, and I don't know if I can do that. I don't like that it will be tough- I want things to be easy this time of year.

I am also struggling with going into the holidays single. It's such a lovely dovey time, and I want that so much. I struggle with how I feel about Clif. I know I should probably forget it, but sometimes I think I may love the boy and it scares.me.so.much.

A lot of thoughts and questions lately.

It's crazy how different life can be in a year...

Peace

Well it's official: I am not a good blogger. I tried (all 2 posts :) ) but I just don't really keep us with this like I wanted to. So... here we ago again with me attempting to keep this updated. This is really just for me..no one knows about it, but I think it is easier than writing.

It's February 7, 2011-a week from Valentines Day. Oh, Valentines Day. I have only had one "love" for Valentines-Beau my freshman year of high school so Valentines Day has never been about the "boy". I have tried to stay positive this year and focus on using this day to reflect on the wonderful relationships in my life-family and friends. I made a few cute crafts I saw on blogs to remind myself of love and plan on doing some cute gifts and cards this year. However, I have reallllly struggled lately with the desire for a husband and family. I spend time with cute mamas and dads and their little ones and so desperately desire to have that soon. I know the Lord's plan is PERFECT, but it is a big battle right now for me to focus on that.

• I guess you could say that peace and content in general has been the battle.
• I am not content with not teaching.
• I am not content with not knowing what next school year will be for me.
• I am not content with not having some prospect of a husband yet.
• I am not content with the divorce of my parents after 30 years of marriage.
• I am not content with my friends not living close.
• I am not content with how I am taking care of my body.

I do NOT want this to be a pity party for me; I just want to put my thoughts into words so I can sort through this. I want to leave in peace in where and what God has me right now. I know that I need to seek Him more. Sunday I told my 5th and 6th graders that it was more important to listen to God than to talk-I am trying to live by that wisdom.

• I want to hunger for the Truth.
• I want to enjoy my singleness.
• I want to pour into the relationships I do have right now.
• I want to take care of my body.
• I want to learn how to deal with this divorce and how to strengthen the relationships I have with my mom, dad, and brother.

I pray I will learn to live in Peace-complete peace and content.

Prayer requests:

• The divorce is final on Feb 14th. I pray Mama will be surrounded with peace and joy and love that day.
• For my Dad's salvation
• For Tay and the marines
• For Macy's gerat aunt-cancer
• For Kat and Sean and Mason
• For my job and location

Still Spinning...

I still fill like a basket case. If I am totally honest-I am scared. I know God's plan is perfect, but I am terrified that I have not found a teaching position yet. So many people are trying to be nice and encouraging by asking me "Have you found anything yet?" "Oh you will! People would be crazy not to hire you!" Well....I guess everyone is crazy because I have not even had an interview. It's really starting to get to me...alot. My family is being really supportive but I can tell they are worried, too. I feel like screaming right now-LOUDLY!

WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO BE????

This summer has been good-lots of spending time with kids I love and family. Really enjoying being at home but wondering if this is where I am supposed to be in the fall.

Thats the thing-I don't want this to be about me-I know its not supposed to be and I don't want it to be. I want to serve God more than anything. I want to know that I am doing all I can to glorify Him where I am. Even if thats at home or even if thats somewhere living by myself. I am ready to venture out because I know He has my back.

Just some rambling for today :)

Howdy

So..I have never been a writer, journaler, or any kind of person who writes down what they are thinking. BUT...lately so many things have been running through my mind that I needed a place to "store" it all and get it out. The thought of writing it on paper didn't really seem appealing so I thought I jump on the blogging train!

I just graduated from Texas A&M (Whoop!) Right now I feel like a basket case. I am confused. I am worried. I am excited. I am scared. I am ready. I am trying desperately to seek God and where he wants me to be in the fall. I have NO CLUE where that is. I know my Lord is teaching me patience, but honestly I have never been good with being patient. I am excited for summer and for relaxing, but lately I have felt that I am wasting my time. I don't really know how to explain this feeling-I just feel like I should be doing more for God. Is this mission work or just spending more time with him? I don't know.

I really don't know what to write. Really. I feel like my mind is spinning, but I don't know how to put my thoughts into words. I need to pray. I need to sit at the feet of God and listen. I need to slow down in my "busy" life of nothing and focus on Him.